continued love in marriage
happens in your hand
Maybe you are now beginning to see the things that you are too blind to see before.
His vices and bad attitudes suddenly become apparent to you. Maybe you are now noticing the darker side of him like laziness, eating too much, not liking to improve himself, not caring to his physical appearance, and being disorderly with his things in the house. All of the things that you have admired in him are now being replaced with the bad attitude that you seemed to ignore before.
Much worse, he’s so rigid and hostile when you remind him to change. What will you do now?
Although my husband is a Catholic and I am a Born Again Christian, faith never becomes an issue with us. It is because I am careful not to try to convince him to accept my belief. I don’t want to evangelize him or tell him anything about salvation. I just stayed where I am and do what I need to do as a Christian believer. Although, I am inviting him to go to church with us and most of the time he accompanied us, I never attempted to touch the part in his spiritual life that only the Lord can touch.
I believe God knows who are His from the foundation of the world and if my husband is one of them, there is no way that he will not accept Jesus Christ. All that I can do is be the wife my Father in heaven intended me to be and just allow this to shine in my life for my husband to see.
The secret here is “Acceptance”. Truly accepting him for who he is.
Acceptance, with no ifs or buts. Accepting all that he is without trying to influence or conform them to what we want.
Honestly, I have so many shortcomings when it comes to my husband. I am the kind who’s so adept on finding worse or bad about him. Every single wrongdoing, every small weakness, everything that adds up to my disappointments with him shall never pass unnoticed, criticized and nagged upon. I can see how much I hurt my man by doing this. Of course I’m hurt, too for being aware of his shortcomings and wanting so desperately to change him for the better.
But trying to change our man would only deepen the seed of resentments we have casts in their hearts. Oh how I wish, I can bring back times and start again. How I wish I learned early on to appreciate him more and never ever criticize him. How I wish I became more intentional… maybe, the wall of resentment between us had never been built at all.
But it is not too late. Just as long as God is giving us the chance, we must try our best to change.
Friends, these tips below are needed to let us grow mature in our relationships. Neglect this and we will all be doomed to a life of loneliness forever. I hope this helps us in our marriage relationship from this moment on…
How to accept your husband?
It took me thirteen years to realize that I need to accept him. So here are the tips:
- Look always for the positive side, the good side. You know, we all have this bad and good sides and it takes keen/detective’s eyes to focus only on the good. This is hard but you must try. As a woman, we should not insist to change them. Change must begin in them, in their God’s given desire to change. We can berate them, nag them, belittle them but that will never do any good. Most often this is more harmful to him and to our relationship. This can only adds up to the resentment that he’s feeling towards you. So better yet, look only in the good side and appreciate it. Praise the good points you see in him.
- Watch out for your expectation. Are you fantasizing that he became someone you see in the movie? More loving, more clean, more intelligent, and oh so rich? Are you often comparing him to others you find much more responsible? How about in ordinary days, are you expecting him to keep-up with his promises most of the times? Do you want him to call when he says he will or go home on time to eat dinner with you when he said so? I am telling you now that you must give-up even these kinds of expectations no matter how little this may seems to you. You must accept the reality that he is what he is and that he has limitations like you, too. You must be open to all possible reasons why he has to disappoint you at times. Your expectations must be free of selfishness but full of understanding. Be open minded at all times. It may help if you can only expect from the Lord and not from your husband.
- Be centered and quiet inside. For the things that you cannot change in him but you know he needs to change—pray! Battle on your knees instead of telling him upfront or in such a way that will only hurt his feelings. In quietness is your strength. Again, it is important to remember that change must come directly from him.
- Have empathy. Don’t you know that empathy triggers a part in the brain that is accountable for meditation? Empathizing produces communion and deep connection to the person being empathized with. With empathy, you can put yourself to your husband’s shoes and feel his feelings or see things in his point of view. If he is you, what would you feel if you did not accept your whole being? What would you feel if he keeps on influencing you and insisting that you change your? What would you feel if you constantly hear sarcasm every time you commit mistakes? If you attuned yourself to have empathy towards him, you will eventually learn to accept him as he is and avoid the things that will hurt his feelings.
- Be busy improving yourself. If you focus your attention to the things that you need to improve, chances are you will not pay too much attention to your husband’s mistakes. If you can only accept that you, too needed to change and to be accepted for all of your weaknesses then maybe, you can be more fair to your husband. Most often, when we change others respond accordingly. I quoted Mr. and Mrs. Tan Chi in their book Motivate, “We do not have something to prove but we have much to improve.” The next time that you are tempted to change him, look within your self. Tell your self that unless you are able to improve all those that needed improvement, you have no rights to correct others. Trust that every human being are able to change on their own and if they are Christians, God will surely change them. Let us be accountable in our own selves.
- Only love unconditionally. That is without any condition. The kind of love that is freely given and continue even if it’s not reciprocated. The kind of love that need never be earned through conditions or hard works. Make sure that your husband is secure with your love even if he fall astray. Make sure that you can accept him with open hands if he returned to you after taking the wrong path for awhile. God showed us this kind of love in the Bible from the story of the prodigal son. This is only possible for giving place to forgiveness at all times. I assure you, if you have this kind of love, you will never find it hard to accept your husband for whoever he is.
But how about when you know that your husband’s vices are too bad that it’s ruining him and your relationship or even the life of you children? This kind of situation is beyond the acceptance perimeter we are talking about here. Hence, if seeking help is needed, don’t be afraid to do so. If tough love is needed, do it. If sacrificing for his sake until God awakens his senses are necessary, then be courageous enough to do it. We might not know what will happen in the future but we can be made sure that we do something for his welfare… and that is what love is. Loving person’s imperfection, loving him for who he is and doing everything for his own good.